When Lord? Ramblings of a still grieving mom

I know it’s been awhile. How I have missed out, on so much! My topic “When Lord” is really about a sad subject. One that is hidden, rarely spoken of. It’s here that I can express myself without fear of being judged. Another blogger spoke about the sad subject too. She did so with the “Grace” of the loving mom she is. The subject? Suicide. I write because I am a Child of God, and a mom of a son who completed suicide over 6 years ago. I write today because a mom, I shall call her T, was the first mom I ever knew who’s son suicided a lttle over 10 yrs. ago.

T took her life this past Monday. I am heartbroken over her loss. She sat beside me when my Danny died. When Lord? When will society get it? How many more? Oh how Your heart must grieve. To know You came to earth, robed in human flesh to save All of us, yet still, so many are hurting!

I believe grieving Mom’s are a special kind of women. We trudge on, one day at a time, leaning on God, or whatever to just get by. Yet for those of us who do believe, we learn to lean even harder. Yes, there are so many grief groups, via social media, some are even “underground”. Yet Lord, when? When Lord, will we Really have a voice without fear of judgments, without shame or guilt?

I am afraid God. Of what? Of the dark place! That place that T went. Where my Danny went. Where so many others go and Lord, some don’t come back!! Please God, I’ve been “there” You helped me back. Yet T had suffered 10 long year’s and went there and now she won’t be coming back. When Lord, will the hurting find solace?

When Lord, will my Christian Family really care more? When Lord, will society realize it’s really not the fault of anyone in particular, when one chooses to end their life?

You Lord, are my hiding place. I am not in the dark place no more. When I was stricken with Cancer and them Drs. said “we can try, but it probably won’t work”, You stepped in! You healed me! You still love little old me? When Lord will I really get that? Have You not proven Your love for me time and time again? A thousand times, YES!!!

People may not believe in You Lord, but I do! Perhaps by writing I have answered some or mostly all of my questions. See how good You are?

Lastly Lord, give me the strength to attend T’s viewing. I haven’t been able to go to one since my Danny died. Yet I must get beyond my fears now. Toddler steps, etch a sketched, yet time now to do the unthinkable, again. I am afraid God. But You, can, hold my hand and I will be okay. Keep T’s children in perfect peace. Lord, I wonder sometimes, is suicide contagious?

When Lord? I think I have the answers now… When we get to Your Place!! I can wait though, because you taught me, when I rwally thought I wanted to die because Dan was gone, I really didn’t want to die. I simply wanted out of the emotional pain I was in. Oh Lord, I pray for those in the dark place, please lead them out….

Keeping Up With The Latest News – Jodi Arias

There is a case on HLN T.V. that I have been following since Day 1.  In Arizona, there is a woman named Jodi Arias, who is on trial for her life.  Why?  For those who don’t follow, I’ll give you the very short version.  She slashed her ex 29 times, slit his throat from ear to ear, and then shot him in the head, above his eyebrow, the 25 caliber round ending up in his cheek.  Cold Blooded? No, for Ms. Arias claims this was self defence. Hmm.  I suppose I could stop watching this trial for I find it very disturbing, to say the very least.  Yet by the end of next week, closing arguments shall come and I am too close to see it through to the end now.  I’ve seen the pictures of this poor deceased young man, heard her lies, watched many video’s on you tube and have came to the conclusion she is Guilty of Murder in the 1st Degree.  I was NEVER a believer in the Death Penalty, but after watching this inhuman individual lie to 48 Hours, the Detective, the Prosecutor, and the jury, she has totally changed my mind.  If anyone deserves the DP, it is Ms. Arias.  I hope she gets it. I’ve watched Travis Alexander’s family (the ex she slaughtered) in the courtroom, as this inhuman besmirched his name, drug him through the mud and even smiled at times while on the witness stand!! It is good for me to take a break from the grief of losing my son, and being engrossed in this case has done that for me.  Some may think my views are hard hearted. Ok, I can agree to disagree, so then I ask you to google Jodi Arias, or Travis Alexander.  Then hop on over to You Tube, and put those names in there. Although it is late to play catch up, if you have time, on FaceBook, there is also a few sites called “Justice for Travis Alexander”, both of which I belong too.  Now for the REALLY SICK PORTION:  Mind you, innocent until proven guilty? She has already openly admitted in Court she did kill him, so remember this.  First she said she was not there, 2nd story was “I was there and 2 ninja looking people did it”, and now comes her “Oh yes, I really did do it, but in self defence.”  LASTLY she is now appealing to the Judge to please offer “Manslaughter in heat of passion” ! So which is it? A story, B story, C story or D?  Now if this is not enough for anyone, she is Tweeting through a friend of hers, taking pot shots at the Prosecutor, and Nancy Grace, along with selling artwork on her own site, someone made for her! She had been selling on EBAY but such an outcry they declined to sell anymore! Thank Goodness!! Some of ‘her’ can even be traced back to wordpress, which is sad and I had even contemplated not blogging on here any longer due to the fact I am VERY PASSIONATE about this murderer.  Yet I like it here, a lot.  I’m slowly learning how to work this  (insert laugh). Writing has always been a passion of mine, and I have wanted to write a book since the age of 16.  I dare say though, my lack of editing sure shines through and I’d not know where to begin.  Anyhow, if you happen on by here, please feel free to check this Trial out.  The Alexander Family sure can use more support.  I have always been into reading up on crime, for sadly, there is so much of it in this world. Yet I must say, THIS ONE?  It has touched my very soul.  May God Bless the Alexander Family and know this:  She WILL be judged, if not here, there is a Supreme Being who WILL judge her on That Great and Final Day.  Who am I to judge?  One who believes God’s Word, and murder is …………….. I think you get ‘me’. Peace to all.

Growing or Going?

Wow….I just went through my computer, just clicking around and found ALL of my passwords ! To all my sites.I thought I had lost them all.  The most important one of all was the one from my old MySpace Account.  It was there I blogged from day 3 after my son had died. I have a grandson that I have not seen in years as I had lost contact with them when I got so sick and had chemo and could not remember important things such as passwords. Today was a regular day, like any other right? Wrong.  For today was the day I came to terms with the fact that my faith has decreased a lot.  I’ve been taught to “Not live by feelings” and yet nobody ever really explained that to me, and me, being to proud to ask, I just went on in church wondering what ”they” meant. Isn’t that sad?  Pride IS a killer ! I get it now, I am to rely on God’s Word, not emotions, because emotions, well, they come and go like dirty dishes !  Still I find it very difficult to do this.  I’ve been etch a sketched!!! I wanted everything the way it ‘used’ to be before Danny took his life.  There was a semi-pretty picture on the etch a sketch, and then someone took it and shook it all up and down and pulled the handles off!!!! It’s like I’m standing in ashes.  Embers, still lit, slowly falling down upon me and sometimes they hit the flesh and I burn, and oh it hurts.  5 Years Later, and it still is burning !  I silently cry “Jesus please put these out”, and to date, they still are falling. I am broken. I am an angel with broken wings.  A butterfly that a meanie headed child pulled my wings off of me.  I crawl around now searching once more, only for the ability to fly.  I wonder, will I ever fly again?  My prayer life has dwindled, my bible reading is nil, and it takes so much strength to even get to church, if I go…..When I do go, I stand silent while others sing and dance. I stand while hot tears stream down my face and I look around where we ‘ALL’ used to be.  Yet so many are gone now. Our church is up for sale too. Today they announced they have a buyer.  When we leave, I will be sadder still. For this is the place I was married, my 3 sons were baptized, and where 2 of my 3 sons were filled with God’s Spirit.  Where my spouse was filled too.  But yet I welcome a New Beginning.  I tried to flee, only to find myself feeling lost.  IT was a lesson well learned.  You just don’t leave a church that GOD Himself placed you.  Stay there, until God says so ! It was when I returned home that I received my healing from Terminal Cancer.  I cannot believe I am writing here, bearing my entire soul for all to see.  I pray I’m not making a mistake.  I read over my blogs on MySpace and I began to cry.  Yet I see GROWTH.  Even in our darkest hours of our lives, there can still be GROWTH ! I thank God for that.  My ulcers have been acting up a lot lately.  I know it is because I am holding all things in. That is why I chose to blog. The rantings of a woman 5 years, yet only knee deep in grief.  Everything shattered. I found a poem I had wrote for Danny.  One day soon, I shall post it here.  IF you have NEVER lost a child, do me a favor, Praise God for that Blessing?  IF you have, welcome to ”my world”, don’t worry, it’s not contagious. I promise. Each one grieve their own way. Me? I thought I’d of been okay by now.  I could not of been more wrong. xoxo Love to All.

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The Church and Suicide

Can anyone tell me where there is a church willing to embrace ‘us’ the hurting? “Us” the Survivors of Suicide.  My son completed his suicide back in 2008.  He was only 23 years old. I was and still am a Christian.  I attended Church then, and I still do now.  Such stigma is attached to the S word.  How I pray this will change.  I am a God fearing, God Loving Woman and I’ve been through some heavy trials.  Yet none of which prepared me for the greatest loss of all, my son’s suicide.  I needed someone ! I called upon God, yes I did ! I give credit where it is due, and till this day I know it was Jesus Christ who carried me through my very first year of my son’s death.  The first year was a fog.  I barely recall much. The first week was something I cannot even place into words. Let me get this clear, I am NOT church bashing.  In fact, I love my Pastor, his wife, and my church family.  I suppose the problem was nobody knew what to say.  I searched high and low for help.  I began at the Church.  As it were, my old Pastor had just retired due to failing health and this was a new Pastor.  He did not know me nor did he know my family.  There was one person who phoned me (besides the Pastor) and this person asked what, if anything they could do.  As I looked around my full house, I realized that many here were probably hungry.  I am not one to ask for help, so this was very humbling for me to say “Yes, please.  Could your wife simply make us a dish to eat?”  “Sure no problem, we’ll get right on it”.  I never heard another word from this person, nor did I get what I asked for.  What is your point? You may perhaps be asking yourself that very question right now?  My point, for this blog is simply this:  When will we really share the Love of God, Compassion, putting away the stigma of such God awful events taking place in our world these days?  I’m speaking here on Suicide, yet I can and will, soon, speak of AIDS also.  I know God allows us to go through trials, they help us to grow.  I just wonder how come I seem to get the trials that The Church wants to or seems to keep quiet?  I thank you for taking time to ”hear” me with your heart ears.  May you have a BLESSED DAY !Image